Suck My Balls, Billiard

It doesn't matter what country you play it in...Pool sucks. Seriously. What a stupid game.

Russian Titties

Best. Weekend. In Estonia.

I knew Saturday was gonna be a good night when I started it at Depeche Mode Baar. Oh yes indeed, a whole bar devoted to DEPECHE MODE, named after DEPECHE MODE, that only plays DEPECHE MODE. Depeche Mode even signed the wall. Very fancy.

So I like Depeche Mode as much as the next art-fag, but seriously. Round one of Violator is good times, but once Boozy Suzy starts singing Personal Jesus in tongues it's time to hit the exit. Luckily there's a nice stripclub around the corner...

Striptiis Estonian style was all I could've ever hoped for. It involved first being stopped by a large bald Russian man and asked if I understood where I was and what I was paying for. (Ummm...?) He proceeded to walk me through some sketchy medieval alley and into a cellar where I had to pay 100 kroons ($10) to this disgruntled harlot. For that price + the cost of a Screwdriver I was able to watch 3 Russian lassies groove on a pole for an hour.

You haven't seen babes til you've seen nearly-naked Eastern European babes. VISIT TALLINN.

I Love Estonian Grannyz

My sTaLliNn apartment is dope as shit with the exception of 2 things:

1. It's 90 degrees below zero but the heating won't get turned on until October.
2. I have no living room.

The result of these 2 factors is that Piia and I live huddled around a mini space heater on an air mattress in the kitchen and are afraid to venture into any other room of the house for fear of getting frost bitten.

OK, I'm exaggerating a little but my real point here is that we don't have a living room and that living in la cuisine is fine if you're 2 chicks who are usually too drunk on vodka to give a fuck which room of the apt they're in but NOT fine if you're, for example, a group of old ladies wanting to enjoy an afternoon tea party...

Helgi, Evi and Meliita

Piia and I encountered this technicality last Sunday when her mama announced she'd be stopping by with Piia's granny (Helgi!), Helgi's sister Evi, and sister-in-law Meliita for some post-Birthday celebrations. We figured the grannyz wouldn't want to participate in our usual kitchen tile pow-wow so we spent all morning converting my bedroom into a senior-friendly environment. (Had to hide the "Rabbit" and take down the Slayer posters.) We actually made the place look quite festive and as far as I could tell, the ladies were impressed with our capabilities as proper hostesses.

Honestly, this was one of the best times I've had so far in Estonia. These old Estonian women know how to get down on a Sunday afternoon. They start off all sweet and reserved with a cup of tea but within 10 minutes they break out the wine and homemade apple juice and get right to it. I had been dying to try this sandwich cake that I kept seeing around town and to my delight, Mama Ülle brought us a homemade one! La bomba.

The meal was finished off with some type of peachy cheesecake goodness baked by Evi and a knot-shaped bun from Granny Helgi that seriously changed my life. We chased it all down with some coffee and Vana Tallinn.

Estonian Lunch Coma. Well worth leaving the warm kitchen.

New Hair Ya'll!!!!

Palju õnne sünnipäevaks SugarPop!

Hooty hoo, another excuse to combine cake and vodka!

Thursday was Piia's 22nd birthday (Happy Birfday Wifey) and while it's an annual challenge to top skyscraper explosions, we managed to throw her a pretty decent party on the 11th.

I spent the day slaving over a hot math book trying to convert U.S. measurements to metric with some success (see Cupcakes above) and with a few oven disasters (see "Souffle" hiding behind Cupcakes). All in all, shit tasted good and everyone had a nice time. Grrrrrreat Success!

Piia took home some interesting gifts including a Chinese wok, 2 "teaballs" that I mistook for earrings, an Ambi Pur toilet rim-block (say what?!), a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label and a gangsta rap from Yours Truely. These Estonians know how to celebrate, I'm not gonna lie.

My favorite little Birthday Bunny

China Eyeball Massage

While DLynne was doin her thang in the boring Chi-town suburbs this summer, her girl Piia was traveling thru China and Vietnam. Danielle 0, Piia 3. Bitch even scored this amazing trinket along her travels. (See above.)

On her last evening in China, homegirl decides to spend all her leftover yuan on this crazy electronic eye massager. (Oooo, and some of those old-school Chinese relaxation balls we all had in like the 5th grade!) Anyhow, if you've never strapped one of these contraptions to your head before, I'm warning you. Shit feels like someone's smacking u upside your face with a bag of marbles. I've put the thing on a few times hoping I'll get used to it after a while. I've had a couple great moments where it hits the magic spot and puts me into a happy trance but then it will start again with this high-intensity vibration shit and ruin everything. Piia captured a magical moment on tape yesterday when I wasn't looking. Check it out.

I promise I will be an amazing rockstar someday. Just a few more sessions with the chinese eyeball massager, you'll see.

Slowly turning Russian

Look I made Borscht. I'm assimilating.