Stockholm, Sweden and the Grand Adventures of Vicky I

Stockholm was cute stuff. If you wanna know what it looks like, google that shit on the Internet cuz I don't waste time taking pics of buildings and trolls when I've got only 4 short hours to have a long-awaited first world shopping spree.
Basically the weekend involved us getting on the boat at around 6pm on Friday, arriving in Stockholm at 10am on Saturday, waiting for an invisible bus for 2 hours, battling the x-mas insanity in the city center til 4pm and then getting back on the boat to head back to Tallinn.
Pointless? Maybe.
Highlights of the trip include: the double bed in our romantic boat cabin, the UFO siting above Stockholm, me getting seasick, the plundering of my bank account by the Swedish kroon, and most importantly, the vigor with which Swedes and Estonians get piss drunk on a large ship. Outstanding performance from both nations!
All in all, lovely trip. Highly recommended.

Again, the finger.

Why am I always flipping off the webcam?
Yea, err....sadly, gluing heart-shaped jewels on my fingernails is like the most exciting thing I've done this week. It's cold, that's my excuse. Oih, just kidding I forgot I went ice-skating this week! That's productivity, right? And I didn't fall at all during the skating part, only afterward when I slipped and fell down the stairs leaving the place. Gnarly butt-bruise souvenirs--lovesit.

Friday I'm going to Sweden so maybe in a few days I'll have some good stories involving disco and penis enlargers. Stay tuned...

Rights for Gays, Oh Yea

As of today, I'm officially a legal resident of Estonia. I can get cheap bus tickets and vote online!
High five.

Snowballz

Damn, I don't really know where to start. It's been a hectic weekend. I'm gonna sum up quickly.

First on the agenda Thursday morning was scooping up little Mai Thai from the airport. Since then it's been 4 days of sexy snow battles, sexual confrontation, and a couple cases of the drunksies...
Friday night was my 1st DJ set with Piia, which was pretty bangin if you ask me. Our sucky transitions were kindly excused, thanks to my low cut tank and the sassy stripes I shaved in the side of Piia's head. Shit at least earned us a couple bucks and a bag of herbal goodies. The night lasted until 7am on Saturday but despite the gnarly party hangover we were able to get up by 11 and make the essential winter purchase of 2 red and yellow saucer sleds.
The rest of the weekend was just everything having to do with snow...delays, cancellations, foot mittens, frozen toes, butt bruises, smeared mascara, expensive cab rides, etc.
More when I'm not distracted by Bob with testicular cancer.

First Estonian Snow 2008

I'm feeling romantic!

Top 10 Moment

2AM in Old Town. Drunk businessman walks into an alley where 3 girls are mischievously sharing a bottle of wine.



PIIA (to the man): Where do you come from?!
Businessman takes a seat next to girls.
PIIA: Are you Finnish?! Swedish?! Bra?!
PILLE: Русский язык?
PIIA: I know it! You're a Swede living in Finland!
DANIELLE: Parlez-vous français?! Talk! ¿Habla español?
PIIA: Kunt u nederlands praten?

Businessman smokes a cigarette. Minutes pass. Pille pisses in the alley. Drunk businessman begins to stir.
PILLE: Yes?
DANIELLE: Yes? Speak!
PIIA: Tell me why you're here! Where do you come from man?!
DRUNK BUSINESSMAN: L-l-l-l-le'ts get to the point. Y-y-y-y-yes I'm...I-I-I-I...I'm a Swede.
PIIA: I knew it!
DRUNK BUSINESSMAN: T-t-t-t-the p-p-point is...the point is this.
GIRLS: Yes?! Tell us?!
DRUNK BUSINESSMAN: L-l-l-l-let's fuck.

Me and You Covered in Honey, etc.

The last few weeks I've been sort of detached from reality or something. Don't worry, I'm not about to get deep on this blog but I just wanted to make a nice excuse for not writing any entertaining posts.

While nothing especially wonderful has happened to me lately (aside from that fabulous Halloween shitshow), I have incorporated a few new treasures into my daily Estonian life.

Firstly, I've made it a weekly ritual to visit Piia's mum and granny every Sunday evening. Traditional Estonians as they are, they've got a sauna room built on the side of their wooden house and this has quickly become the real reason I venture out into the cold and travel 30 minutes across town every week. (That and the fact that granny usually sends us home with some delicious goody.) The first time I sat in the 100°C heat of the sauna I thought my face was going to melt off but now there is nothing I enjoy more than rubbing myself in honey and sitting naked, huddled in this human toaster-oven pretending I am a real Estonian girl. The experience has taken my pores to a whole new level.

The other delightful little trinket I've come to embrace in my daily life is this tasty Estonian breakfast substance called kama flour. Kama is "a healthy and natural product made from Estonian crops." In other words, it's like toasted sand you dump in your yogurt to make you feel healthy in the morning. It's like...I don't know...drinking bubble tea. You're disgusted by the texture of this tasteless crap invading what would be a normal beverage, and at the same time you're so intrigued...you just can't stop til all the little tapioca balls are gone and then you still feel so confused, so you just keep trying it again and again. I love it!

In other news, we've acquired the following toys in the last 2 weeks:

1. The Microkorg- The holiest of all synthesizers. I can scream Mary Poppins tunes into this thing and they come out sounding like a 70 yr-old smoker's rendition of Anti-Christ Superstar
2. A sewing machine- I've already sewn some cute red curtains to match my newly painted walls and will soon be making multitudes of garments you know are about to get Barack Obama's face printed all over them
3. The Hula Hoop- I don't think I even need to describe what kind of fun I've been having with this guy.

Anyhow. That's the news for now. It's 5:21 in the morning and the sleep deprivation loonies are setting in...

Later.

So like...

Listen up. It's Friday night and I'm kinda bored waiting for a phone call.
What the hell? I gotta take care of this.
I'm gonna die soon and I don't want to fuck around with boredom! So whoever reads this (no one)...let's have an adventure and make this the best 4 years of my life. And yours?

Halloween Candy

Last night didn't look like it promised much at first.

The Halloween caramels were rock hard fruity shits that tasted like toilet bowl cleaner. The decorations consisted of construction paper cutouts and color-crayon drawings. Oprah was still caucasian when the first batch of house guests arrived and I couldn't get my sock roll dick to stand erect.

But as I sit here in my hangover coma and attempt to reflect back on the whole evening, I have to say it was the best fucking party I've ever thrown in my life. Something about the freedom of being able to openly grab my crotch and burp up Bacardi while slapping girls on the ass...makes for amazing times.

Go Back to Your Old Town

This is where I go to school. Other bitches just front.

Check my Boy

Nevermind the inappropriate pose for the camera...is kitty amazing or what?

What's this I feel?

Joe Biden just made me cry. Like...mushy sentimental patriotism cry. These guys better win or I won't love you anymore, America.

Internet Boredom

Hey Look!
I just found a picture of my boobs on the Internet! The photo was labeled "CRAZINESS".

I have reason to believe that caption isn't referring to just the tattoo...

Suck My Balls, Billiard

It doesn't matter what country you play it in...Pool sucks. Seriously. What a stupid game.

Russian Titties

Best. Weekend. In Estonia.

I knew Saturday was gonna be a good night when I started it at Depeche Mode Baar. Oh yes indeed, a whole bar devoted to DEPECHE MODE, named after DEPECHE MODE, that only plays DEPECHE MODE. Depeche Mode even signed the wall. Very fancy.

So I like Depeche Mode as much as the next art-fag, but seriously. Round one of Violator is good times, but once Boozy Suzy starts singing Personal Jesus in tongues it's time to hit the exit. Luckily there's a nice stripclub around the corner...

Striptiis Estonian style was all I could've ever hoped for. It involved first being stopped by a large bald Russian man and asked if I understood where I was and what I was paying for. (Ummm...?) He proceeded to walk me through some sketchy medieval alley and into a cellar where I had to pay 100 kroons ($10) to this disgruntled harlot. For that price + the cost of a Screwdriver I was able to watch 3 Russian lassies groove on a pole for an hour.

You haven't seen babes til you've seen nearly-naked Eastern European babes. VISIT TALLINN.

I Love Estonian Grannyz

My sTaLliNn apartment is dope as shit with the exception of 2 things:

1. It's 90 degrees below zero but the heating won't get turned on until October.
2. I have no living room.

The result of these 2 factors is that Piia and I live huddled around a mini space heater on an air mattress in the kitchen and are afraid to venture into any other room of the house for fear of getting frost bitten.

OK, I'm exaggerating a little but my real point here is that we don't have a living room and that living in la cuisine is fine if you're 2 chicks who are usually too drunk on vodka to give a fuck which room of the apt they're in but NOT fine if you're, for example, a group of old ladies wanting to enjoy an afternoon tea party...

Helgi, Evi and Meliita

Piia and I encountered this technicality last Sunday when her mama announced she'd be stopping by with Piia's granny (Helgi!), Helgi's sister Evi, and sister-in-law Meliita for some post-Birthday celebrations. We figured the grannyz wouldn't want to participate in our usual kitchen tile pow-wow so we spent all morning converting my bedroom into a senior-friendly environment. (Had to hide the "Rabbit" and take down the Slayer posters.) We actually made the place look quite festive and as far as I could tell, the ladies were impressed with our capabilities as proper hostesses.

Honestly, this was one of the best times I've had so far in Estonia. These old Estonian women know how to get down on a Sunday afternoon. They start off all sweet and reserved with a cup of tea but within 10 minutes they break out the wine and homemade apple juice and get right to it. I had been dying to try this sandwich cake that I kept seeing around town and to my delight, Mama Ülle brought us a homemade one! La bomba.

The meal was finished off with some type of peachy cheesecake goodness baked by Evi and a knot-shaped bun from Granny Helgi that seriously changed my life. We chased it all down with some coffee and Vana Tallinn.

Estonian Lunch Coma. Well worth leaving the warm kitchen.

New Hair Ya'll!!!!

Palju õnne sünnipäevaks SugarPop!

Hooty hoo, another excuse to combine cake and vodka!

Thursday was Piia's 22nd birthday (Happy Birfday Wifey) and while it's an annual challenge to top skyscraper explosions, we managed to throw her a pretty decent party on the 11th.

I spent the day slaving over a hot math book trying to convert U.S. measurements to metric with some success (see Cupcakes above) and with a few oven disasters (see "Souffle" hiding behind Cupcakes). All in all, shit tasted good and everyone had a nice time. Grrrrrreat Success!

Piia took home some interesting gifts including a Chinese wok, 2 "teaballs" that I mistook for earrings, an Ambi Pur toilet rim-block (say what?!), a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label and a gangsta rap from Yours Truely. These Estonians know how to celebrate, I'm not gonna lie.

My favorite little Birthday Bunny

China Eyeball Massage

While DLynne was doin her thang in the boring Chi-town suburbs this summer, her girl Piia was traveling thru China and Vietnam. Danielle 0, Piia 3. Bitch even scored this amazing trinket along her travels. (See above.)

On her last evening in China, homegirl decides to spend all her leftover yuan on this crazy electronic eye massager. (Oooo, and some of those old-school Chinese relaxation balls we all had in like the 5th grade!) Anyhow, if you've never strapped one of these contraptions to your head before, I'm warning you. Shit feels like someone's smacking u upside your face with a bag of marbles. I've put the thing on a few times hoping I'll get used to it after a while. I've had a couple great moments where it hits the magic spot and puts me into a happy trance but then it will start again with this high-intensity vibration shit and ruin everything. Piia captured a magical moment on tape yesterday when I wasn't looking. Check it out.

I promise I will be an amazing rockstar someday. Just a few more sessions with the chinese eyeball massager, you'll see.

Slowly turning Russian

Look I made Borscht. I'm assimilating.

Visit from the L B C

If you've never seen my boy Snoop perform live in a little-known city in Eastern Europe, I suggest you put that on your to-do list. This D-O double G made DLizzle bounce like she aint neva bounced before.

Imagine this outdoor stadium filled with blonde-haired, blue-eyed bitches and white boyz with their euro-trash denim-fade jeans sagging below their asses--all of them waving their middle fingers in the air screaming "fuck da po-leese."

You think that's goofy? Now picture Snoop Dogg hoppin around on stage waving an Estonian flag shouting "EEEston-ya!"
That pimp is da Bo$$.

Bedroom Window

YEA, FUCK 'EM!

I may be embarrassing myself with this photo...

But I can't help it, it's so classic!









I have 5 days to act like a 12-yr old boy and draw mustaches on myself til I become a grown-ass woman grad student.

Goodbye Summer

It's really cold. Shockwave! cold. If I would've known Estonia was an August tundra I would've done a much better job of cherishing that last week in the States.

I have 5 pairs of socks, one hoodie and a poncho. The rest of my armoire is filled with tank tops and t-shirts. I just sweet-talked my way thru O'hare, Schipol and Helsinki-Vantaa with 65 kilos of shit I can't wear. Retard move... (that was a lot of listing, sorry).

Good thing I'm going back to school. Yes yes. I broke down and decided to apply to a real MA program instead of living life as an illegal alien taking Estonian lessons. I left this interview pretty convinced I wasn't getting in and should consider never going back to school...but I guess Tallinn U thinks otherwise. Got that back to school feeling now tho...............disgusting.

This is a boring blog, I know. Shut up.

Boris' Picnic in the Park...ing Lot

One of the first pieces of advice I got from Piia upon arriving in Estonia was not to sleep around with the boyz in the hood. This is a pretty reasonable suggestion considering our neighborhood is infested with sketchy Russians who I'm sure have been waiting for the chance to rub off their Communism on a good wholesome All-American girl like myself. Hands off boys, I only have eyes for capitalism!

But OK really, Piia's concerns are serious. 1.3 percent of the Estonian population is estimated to have HIV. That's the highest in all of Europe and pretty intense considering there are only 1.3 million people in all of Estonia. They're like an endangered species! And well, I don't know how the rest of the country works, but in my hood these crazy Russian junkies hang outside in the parking lot sharing needles like its their job. It's actually a very curious and scary thing to watch, but I can't stop. It's like an ongoing drama series outside my window. I've tried to take some photos for you but they're not too fancy. I'm a little concerned that if Boris the Addict or any of his cracked out friends see me through the window they might come running at me with a hammer and sickle...

Boris
So let me tell you the story of this seemingly innocent Russian boy lounging on his tree stump.

The first thing you should know is that he was carried there. That stick doubles as both a cane and a car smasher. His friend had just abandoned him at the stump after shooting up and would return soon with fruit and ice cream. Druggie picnic! Here's a cute photo of with the both of them:

Dimitri and Boris

The sweetest thing about these 2 is that the Dimitri eventually begins to get a little antsy and starts hopping around all over the place so Boris sits him down and gives him a massage to calm his nerves. Sexy!

And so the picnic continued. The syringes came out a few more times, along with some curious strips of bedsheet and random objects from a gym bag but no one seemed alarmed. Children played close by and old women trotted past with their baskets and it was just like any another day in the trailer park. I, too, am getting pretty used to it...

Just as long as those commies stay on the other side of my window.

Hot Mama

Guess whose favorite pregnant lady just had a baby boy...


Everybody's talkin shit cuz she named him Zuma Nesta Rock but whatevs... Zuma can babysit my little Kryxzium when I pop her out and they can bond about having fucked up names and hot mamas.

Tsau Q T!

So...it's 4:20 a.m. in Tallinn and I'm watching Beavis and Butthead on the Internet. I've officially spent a week and one day with Piia and Q T McWhiskers (see below) in our ghetto "Stalin" apartment. I regret to say that I have no photographic proof of how gnarly this place is cuz my camera ran out of batteries and I have yet to work up enough balls to go to the electronics store and ask questions to these stern Estonians regarding electrical adapters.

Uhhh...but yea...I love Estonia! Let's recap what I've learned so far about my new country and friends:

1. Pickles : Vodka :: Lime : Tequila, except waaaaay more disgusting when you vomit it into a laundry basket.
2. It is normal to eat ketchup on pasta. No, I'm not joking. It's also normal to eat honey by the spoonful out of a jar.
3. Estonia is filled with sexy girls. Don't believe me? Ask James Blond.
4. Apparently Estonians think it's fun to hold singing festivals for hours on end in the middle of the night when it's freezing cold and I'm wearing open-toed heels. But I'm not complaining, this was patriotism at its finest, my friends. It brought a roller derby tear to my eye.
5. I love Estonia!
6. I don't love Russians!

Time for bed.

Move it Move it Move it Move it

Summertime!

Danielle Lynne loves the Internet!

I've finally learned how to work a computer!

DLynne + MacBook = BFF